Sunday, November 23, 2014

Why I Hate the Elf on the Shelf ...

They're baaa-ack (you know who I'm talking about, fellow Elf on the Shelf haters). And in honor of their return, I'm re-sharing this post from last year about why I so dislike the little gremlins. I'm so sorry if you like them. I just can't do it. PS This year we're going to welcome Kindness Elves into our home instead. You can read more about them here.


Why I Hate the Elf on the Shelf
Stop looking at me, elf. Via

I'm just going to go ahead and put this out there. I hate the elf on the shelf. I hate his shenanigans (which require me to have to come up with thirty-odd days of ridiculousness, such as Jack the Elf drives the choo-choo train, Jack the Elf poops Hershey kisses, and Jack the Elf spills flour all over the kitchen counters and then writes his name in it - after which, I then have to clean up Jack the Elf's mess because the little jerk can't do it himself). The last thing I feel like doing in mid-December after grading stacks and stacks of student papers is brainstorming a new elfish scheme every ... single ... night, because God knows you can't repeat yourself or then the kids think Jack the Elf has fallen victim to Alzheimer's or dementia.

Or, I get the lovely morning wake-up call of "Mo-ooooommm, Jack didn't move AGAIN." To which I reply, "Oh, honey, Jack's legs are just really tired after running back and forth to the North Pole to report on your behavior. Plus he has something BIG planned for tomorrow" (all the while thinking, Jack the Elf shouldn't have had that extra glass of wine last night. Oooooppps). On that note, I am thoroughly on to the fact that my oldest kid has been thoroughly on to this game from about day 5. I think she just wants Jack to come back out of his closet so she can torture me. She's been asking "When's Jack going to get here?" since Thanksgiving night, while I, on the other hand, have been continuously griping about the stupid elves like an old-timer complaining about Black Friday turning into Black Wednesday: "Goddamn elf on the shelf. Who came up with this crap? A man no doubt, because I don't see any fathers knocking each other over to join the elf movement. I'm paying $35 for my own headache, not to mention all of the elfy paraphernalia I have to buy."

Finally, the Elf on the Shelf might be the creepiest toy invented in the last fifty years. Just look in his eyes. You can see it. Underneath that smirky smile is a Chucky just waiting for his chance. I know one of these mornings I am going to wake up to that elf sitting on my chest staring at my face, smiling the most sinister smile since Bela Lugosi's Dracula.

So, to all you moms who love the elves, more power to you. I, on the other hand, am sincerely hoping that the little creeps go the way of the Mon-Chi-Chi and Rock 'Em Sock 'Em Robots ... and fast. A/J

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