Saturday, May 31, 2014

Fifty Shades of Pure Barre

Wouldn't you now.
So, by some stroke of fate, I started reading E.L. James's Fifty Shades of Grey around the same time I started taking classes at my local Pure Barre. If you're not familiar with Fifty Shades, God help you: have you been living under a rock somewhere? I will forgive you if you have no idea what Pure Barre is.  When I checked into Pure Barre at 7:00 this morning on my Facebook page with the caption "Starting this Saturday morning off right;)," someone thought I was at the bar drinking wine. If only. (BTW, I can understand how many of my friends would fall prey to this misconception; I am well-known for drinking wine, not so much for getting up at the crack of dawn to work out). This leads me to my point.

Pure Barre, according to its website, "is a total body workout that utilizes the ballet barre to perform small, isometric movements, which burn fat, sculpt muscles and create long, lean physiques." They should really describe it, however, as one-hour of torture, overseen by sadists. During that one hour, you have a hell of a lot of time to think. And if you've been reading Fifty Shades, well, ... here's what you start thinking.

The Fifty Shades of Pure Barre (OK, there aren't Fifty. That would be too long. Eight is enough).

There is a grey, tan, or taupe room of pain (depending on the decorative choices of the studio owners) tricked out with various red-accented tools of torture, otherwise known as exercise balls, bands, weights, and barres. Once you enter the room, you cannot leave until the hour is up. Oh, and you signed a little contract to put yourself in here. And paid good money to do it.
You spend a lot of time in this position. In excruciating pain. My point should be clear. Via
Just as Ana Steele was fooled by Christian Grey's cool, calm exterior, you may be fooled by Pure Barre's cool, uberhip atmosphere. Don't be fooled, even if there is a chandelier. This is not a workout for the faint of heart.
You may likewise be lulled by your Pure Barre instructor's soothing voice as class opens into believing that you are about to do some kind of glorified yoga or the ballet class you dropped when you were 7. She may look super-sweet and bubbly. She is not (there's a reason this bitch is super-sleek). There is a drill sergeant under those Karma leggings and the $84 ultra-soft wrap sweater. If your form is wrong she will fix it, and you will want to curse her, but you will be afraid to because there may be more punishment involved. Eyes on the floor, soldier!   
As for that $84 wrap sweater, you start to desire and will want to immediately start wearing the sleek uniform Pure Barre can provide you. Including the rhinestoned sticky socks designed to "keep the heat in your body." If you haven't already cleaned out your bank account to join, you surely will on the clothes (this is where Christian Grey actually would come in handy - he would pay for your membership AND your clothes ... and your car for that matter. All part of the contract).
When you are told to do this, you get a little nervous.
You begin to want to set anything involving these as a hard limit. And, well, that's pretty much the whole class.
And somehow, when all is said and done, you immediately want to go back for more. This, friends, we call masochism;).
Pure Barre forever;). A/J

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