Tuesday, November 5, 2013

How Not to Write a Novel in 30 Days (#NaNoWriMo2013)

1. Have no plot or plan. All novels are written in month-long frenzies of inspiration, right?
2. Promise yourself that you'll write every morning at 5:00 AM, during the "blue hour." Your favorite author wrote at that time, and she was pretty productive. Then, stay up grading student papers until about one in the morning the night before.
3. Decide 5:00 AM is an ungodly hour, sleep in, promising yourself that you'll write your 1,667 words after lunch.
4. Decide to go to lunch with a friend. Have one little, harmless glass of wine. Didn't liquor make Hemingway more productive?
5. Take afternoon nap.
6. Pet the cat. Use it as a sounding board for your ideas.
7. Start reading the latest 600-page novel from Stephen King "for inspiration."
8. Decide to be productive and multitask, tackling the mountain of laundry that has piled up since July.
9. Stick to your schedule of writing one blog post per day.
10. Make your novel about a subject you have to research.
11. Decide that you must be "the voice of your generation" (ending up like Hannah on Girls, with a "book" that tallies to about 10 pages).
12. Have a three-year-old with you at all times, except when you are at work.
13. Decide to teach The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks in November, re-reading it while writing new lesson plans.
14. Clean anything.
15. Cook anything.
16. Drink anything, other than coffee.
17. Be a fan of American Horror Story.
18. Volunteer for anything relating to your kids and their ridiculous extra-curricular schedules/social lives.
19. Stare out the window.
20. Watch two squirrels beat the crap out of each other over a nut.
21. Sort the "adult"-friendly candy out of your kids' Halloween haul (in hiding). Eat the best pieces before your husband gets his grubby hands on them.
22. Check Facebook, for "character insight."
23. Check Pinterest, "researching" inspirational writing quotations.
24. Tweet about having writer's block. Check the #NaNoWriMo2013 hashtag and curse the braggarts who are actually getting something done. (They're probably lying anyway. Bastards).
25. Bite nails.
26. Listen to Outlaw Country.
27. Decide now would be a perfect time to start painting the basement.
28. Browse Amazon and buy another book you won't read anytime soon by an author you would kill to be.
29. Think about changing the subject of your book to deal with unpublished author zombies who take over the local Barnes and Noble and tear apart all the books from the Twilight and Fallen series.
30. Breathe.

He he he ... ;). J/A
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